I hate all girls vehemently.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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