yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish life had little blips of pornography
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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