My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
