The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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