Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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