Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
