if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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