When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
