saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
