my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
