i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
