from now on my penis is your penis
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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