the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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