i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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