I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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