I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
false alarm. still invincible.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
