Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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