this beer tastes like vomit already
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
