i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
