go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
