I look better un-naked...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
They are going to name an STD after you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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