I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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