apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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