OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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