I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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