hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
