Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes