It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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