Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
