I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm passing your future prison.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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