If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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