Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
True strength comes from lack of pants
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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