I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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