there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
