i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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