life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
In America we eat man semen.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
