It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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