im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
