I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.