tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
