According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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