RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
