No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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