that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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