I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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