my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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