We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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