This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
