There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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