Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
