You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
