I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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