Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
