Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
