you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
