my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
