Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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