why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
