Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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