That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
