so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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