I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
