On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
