Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
