I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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