Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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